A neutron in a bar has just finished his drink. "How much do I owe you?" the neutron asks the bartender.

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

Q: Did you ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and the IRS gets $40.

On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured. The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."

The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"

"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school."

"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.

His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

"Not good enough," the mother replied.

"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school."

"One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus. "The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you're caught a third time."

A male student in the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?"

Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day. His friend John says, "Guys, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. I came home the other day and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His friend Sean said, "Well I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I came home the other day and found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."Greg said, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both of his friends just stared at him.

"I'm serious!" he said. "The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!"

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. The idiot said he can't communicate with me."