An old lady stood at the railing of a cruise ship, holding on tight to her hat so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon my forwardness, madam, but were you aware that your dress is blowing up in the wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam," the gentleman said in a worried tone, "you must know that your private parts are exposed!"

The old lady glanced down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"

"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"

"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on."

Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.

"What the heck was that for?" he demanded.

"Your dog just called."

Little Joe's kindergarten class took a field trip to the local police station and saw the pictures on the bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One young lad pointed to a photo and asked if it was really a wanted criminal.

"Yes," a policeman explained. "The detectives want very much to catch that bad man."

Joe piped up. "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

\Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Dennis had a problem with getting up late in the morning and as a result, he was always late for work. His boss was getting very angry with him, and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about the problem. So Dennis went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it at night to help him sleep. Dennis slept very well, and actually got up before his alarm went off. After enjoying a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work, where his boss greeted him at the door.

"Boss, the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"How nice for you," his boss glared, "but where were you yesterday?"

Two statues in a city park, one female and one male, had faced each other for many years. One morning, an angel appeared and told the statues, "Since you have both brought enjoyment to many people for years, I'm giving you your greatest wish and bringing you to life for 30 minutes. In that time you may do whatever you like." And the statues came to life.

Smiling at each other, they ran toward a stand of trees and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled as she listened to them giggling and rustling in the grass. After 15 minutes, the statues emerged from the bushes, smiling and happy. The angel was puzzled. "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

"Oh, yes!" the female statue said. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."

Q: If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and you're an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are IN the bathroom?

A: European.