A married man and his secretary were having a passionate affair. One afternoon they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making love. Then they fell asleep, not waking until 8:00 pm. Alarmed, they quickly dressed, and the man told the secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. She was bewildered, but did as he asked.

Finally getting home, the man's wife met him at the door. She asked him tearfully where he had been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

In a bar one day, a pirate was talking to the bartender. The bartender asked him, "Why do you have a peg leg?"

The pirate answered, "Back when I was sailing the seas, a big shark noticed me swimming one day and bit off me leg."

"Well, then how did you get the hook?" the bartender asked, pointing to the place where the pirate's left hand used to be.

The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and myself were engaged in a rough battle one day and me hand was cut off by a slimy coward's sword."

The bartender looked at the hook for a moment. "Well now I have to ask how you got the eye patch."

The pirate snarled, "I looked at a gull flying overhead in the harbor one day and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled by this last explanation. "How would that make you get an eye patch
"The pirate responded, "First day with me hook."

One day a classmate told little Timmy that most adults have at least one dark secret and that they can be easily blackmailed simply by saying, "I know the whole truth." Timmy decided to try it out. He went home and when his mother greeted him, he frowned and said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father!"

This worked so well for Timmy that he decided to see what he could get from his father. When his father got home, Timmy greeted him at the door and said, "I know the whole truth." His father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't tell your mother!"

Very pleased, Timmy headed out the door to school the next day when he ran into the mailman. He greeted the mailman with his new phrase, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman dropped his mail, opened his arms, and said, "Then come give your daddy a big hug!"

A man and his wife had been traveling for 18 hours when they decided to stop for a few hours to rest. They checked into a nice hotel and slept for four hours. When they were ready to continue their trip, they went downstairs to pay their bill. The desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man exploded, and said the bill was too high, asking to see the manager. The manager met them at the front desk and explained that the hotel has an olympic pool and a nice conference room and they were available for the couple's use. "But we didn't use them!" the man complained. The manager insisted that the room and pool were available for them, as well as tickets to several shows. The man explained they didn't use any of those things, to which the manager replied, "But you could have."

Finally, needing to get back on the road, the man wrote a check for $100. The manager looked at the check and said, "This is only for $100."

The man replied, "That's right. I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't sleep with her!" the manager said.

The man smiled and said, "Yeah, but she was here and you could have."

A man walks into a bar one night, goes up to the bar, and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

"That's right." The barman replied.

So the guy glanced over at the menu, and asked, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replied the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?"

"Four cents," the barman said.

"Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replied, "Upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender smiled. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."