A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in
front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and
completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911,
and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions,
the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus,
which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and
disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off
when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour, some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up in this manner, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift anyhow."

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with

million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!"

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest

house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said,

"Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a

thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant

three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for

myself."

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the

rest of my life!"

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the

genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.

"Consider it done!" the genie replied.

"And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a

woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,

"How old is your husband anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

For his 40th birthday, an eye doctor had his friends and family come over to his house. After everyone had arrived, his wife blindfolded him and led him to a table where she had placed his surprise cake. Taking off his blindfold, the doctor took one look at the cake and burst into laughter. In front of him was a huge cake with 40 candy eyes decorating it! When he couldn't stop laughing, one guest asked him what was so funny.

The doctor wiped his eyes and through his giggles said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who'll be 40 next week. He's a gynecologist!"

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"