One Saturday afternoon while watching TV, Bob's wife interrupts his football game. "Honey, could you please fix the light in the hallway?"

Bob gives her an angry look and says, "Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It doesn't shut right."

"Oh, right. And does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!" He turns back to his game.

"Fine, then just fix the steps to the front door before someone falls through them."

"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want the fix the steps during the game! Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!"

After a few hours at the bar watching the game, Bob starts to feel guilty about how he reacted and decides to go back home and do some chores. Entering the house, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the hall light is working. Getting another beer, he sees that the fridge door is fixed as well. "Honey, how did you get all of this fixed?" he asks.

She answers, "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. A young man walked by and asked what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs if I would either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

Bob asks, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

His wife replies, "Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?"

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Two campers are awakened by the sounds of an obviously large bear outside their tent, looking for food at their campsite. Immediately, Chris pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack and quickly puts them on. Incredulous, his friend Michael says, "There's no way you can outrun that bear."

Chris replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

One day in court, the prosecuting lawyer asked the farmer on the witness stand, "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the policeman you had never felt better in your life?"

"That's right." The farmer replied.

"Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

The farmer explained. "When the policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam - I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?"

The doctor immediately became enraged and stormed over to the door, flinging it open, and yelling at the nurse, "For the last time, I said I wanted a BUTT LIGHT!"

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"