One night a guy walks into a bar with a carrot in his ear and orders a drink. The bartender wants to mention the carrot, but decides not to. The next night, the same guy comes back in, still with a carrot in his ear. The bartender hesitates, but decides again not to question the man. On the third night, when the guy comes back into the bar and still has the carrot in his ear, the bartender decides he has to know. "Hey mister, did you know you have a carrot in your ear?"

The man replies, "Sorry? I can't hear you because I have a carrot in my ear."

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Gus, a traveling salesman, stopped at a gas station to use the facilities. The restroom had two commodes, and there was a man already using one of them. They nodded at each other and went about their business. Gus finished first and as he pulled up his pants, some change fell out of his pocket into the bowl. He looked at it for a moment, then threw a $50 into the bowl.

"What did you do that for?!" the other man asked.

Gus replied, "Well, you don't expect me to put my hand in there for thirty-five cents, do you?"

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. I'm a six-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weightlifter, and the woman on the other side of you is a blonde pro wrestler. Think about it, mister. You sure you want to tell that joke?

The blind guy replied, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

After successfully passing the bar exam, Allan opened up his own law office. One day he was sitting idly at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.

"Show him in!" Allan exclaimed. An idea popped into his head and he quickly picked up the phone as his secretary was returning with the man. Allan shouted into the phone, "...and you can tell them that we won't accept less than sixty thousand, and don't call me again until you agree to that amount!" He slammed down the phone and stood up to greet his visitor. "Good morning, Mr. Jones! What can I do for you?"

"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to connect your phone."