One day a young Marine and his commanding officer were aboard a train heading through the mountains of Switzerland. They sat directly across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. Before long, the young Marine and the young lady were eyeing each other with mutual attraction. Suddenly passing through a mountain tunnel, it was pitch black in the train for a few minutes. Nothing could be seen in the car of the train, and the only sounds were the smack of a kiss, followed by a slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four people sat without saying a word.

The grandmother was thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer was thinking: "I didn't know this young Marine was brave enough to kiss that girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him and slapped me instead!"

The young woman was thinking: "I'm glad the handsome Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother wouldn't have slapped him!"

The young Marine sat back with a smile on his face, thinking: "Life is good. How often does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer, all at the same time?"

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was picking flowers in the forest when she stumbled into the Big Bad Wolf. "My, what big eyes you have!" she said. The wolf just stared at her then ran away.

Wandering farther into the woods, she found the wolf again a short time later. "My, what big teeth you have!" she exclaimed. Again, the wolf just looked at her then ran farther into the woods.

Looking for more of a particular flower, Little Red Riding Hood searched deeper into the forest and came upon the wolf yet again. "My, what a long nose you have!" she cried.

This time the wolf stood his ground and glared at her. "Will you please stop bothering me? I'm trying to take a dump here!"

In Paris recently, a thief almost managed to steal several paintings from the Louvre. But during his escape, his van ran out of gas and he was captured. After the incident was televised, a reporter asked the would-be thief what had happened.

He replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"

"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.

"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.

"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

Mr. Smith, a businessman from Wyoming, had to take a business trip to Arizona. As soon as he arrived, he sent an e-mail to his wife, Diane. However, Mr. Smith wasn't the best typist, and he made an error in the address, so the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Diana Smith, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she pointed to the e-mail message with a shaky hand.

"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

One evening, watching her neighborhood from her front porch, a wife pointed out one young couple on their street to her husband. "Do you see that couple? They are so devoted. He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.

"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.

Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."