A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups. The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.

"What'd you do that for?" the man asked.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

"No," the man replied, "but my wife out in the car still does!"


An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman.

"Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" the policeman asked.

"Well, I may have had a pint or two." The man replied, smiling. "Why do you ask?"

"Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."

"Oh, thank goodness," the man exclaimed. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"



Don was sent to prison. He got along well with his fellow inmates, and with the guards, and even the warden liked him. Deciding that Don deserved to learn a trade, the warden arranged for him to become a carpenter. After several years, Don was earning recognition as one of the best carpenters in the area and would often be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs, always reporting back to the prison by the end of the day on Sundays. One day, the warden called Don into his office and asked if he would build a set of kitchen cupboards and fit the revamped kitchen for a new countertop, which he had promised his wife.

"Gee, I sure would like to, warden," Don told him, "but counter-fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"


Jason wanted to get his wife (the color of her hair is irrelevant) something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something useful. So he finally decided to get her a cell phone. His wife was very excited about the new phone and told him she loved it. He carefully went through all of the phone's features and showed her how to use it. The next day, she went shopping and took the phone with her. The phone rings and it's her husband.

"How do you like your new phone?" he asks.

"I love it, but there's something I don't understand," she replies.

"What's that?"

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad


John went to the unemployment office to get a job and told the placement specialist that he was a pilot. After browsing through some files, she told him that she did have a job for him and that he could start in the morning. John told his brother Bill about the quick response, so Bill went to the unemployment office that afternoon. Telling the placement specialist that he was a woodcutter, he was told that there were no jobs for woodcutters at that time.

"But my brother just got a job that starts tomorrow." He complained. "How did he get a job so easily?"

"The woman looked up John's records and said, "Well, he's a pilot."

"So what?" Bill said. "John can't pile it until I cut it!"



During a Papal audience one day, a businessman approached the Pope and said, "If you can change the last line of the Lord's prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken,' Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10 million to Catholic charities."

The Pope answered, "That I cannot do, my son."

Two weeks later, the businessman was back again. This time he offered the Pope $50 million.

The Pope answered, "That I cannot do, my son."

A month later, the businessman tried one last time, offering $100 million, and the Pope finally accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals the next day, the Pope told them he had good news and bad news.

"The good news is that we now have $100 million for our charities! The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!"


How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change!


Sitting down at a restaurant, a man looks at the menu for several long minutes. Finally he tells the waiter, "I think I'll have the turtle soup." As the waiter walks away, the man changes his mind and decides that he'd rather have pea soup.

"Hey waiter," he yells, "hold the turtle; make it pea!"



One day at the Chicago Museum of Natural History, a group of tourists were marveling over the dinosaur bones. One of them turned to the nearby guard and asked, "Can you tell me how old these dinosaur bones are?"

"Those bones there are three million, four years, and six months old." The guard replied.

"Wow!" the tourist exclaimed. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and half years ago."



Driving home with his wife one day, a man was stopped by the police. The cop said, "Sir, you were going 60 mph in a 50 mph zone."

"No I wasn't," the man said.

His wife leans over and says, "Yes you were, honey."

"Why don't you shut the hell up?" he told her.

The cop continues, "You also didn't have your seatbelt on, sir."

"Yes I did," the man said.

"No, honey, no you didn't," his wife chimed in.

"Didn't I just tell you to shut up?" the man shouted.

The cop finally leans into the window and says, "Ma'am, is this your husband?"

"He sure is," she replied.

"Is he always this mean and rude with you?" the cop asked.

The woman smiled at him and said, "No, officer, only when he's drunk."



What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?

Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.



A priest approached a group of young lads one day, sitting on the edge of the church lawn, and walked over to ask what they were doing.

"Why, we're trying to see who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life," one boy said.

"Oh no!" replied the priest. "Don't you have anything better to do? Why, when I was your age, I never even THOUGHT about sex!"

The boys all jumped up and started yelling, "You win! You win!"



A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limo one day when he noticed two men at the side of the road eating grass. He told the driver to pull over and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the first man.

"We have no money for food," the poor man replied.

"Well, come with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the man said.

"Bring them along," replied the lawyer. "And what about you?" he asked, turning to the other man.

"I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered, with his head hung low.

"Bring them all!" the lawyer ordered. The two families climbed into his limo and stared at him with gratitude.

"Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

"No problem," the lawyer replied. "The grass at my house is almost a foot tall!"



A cop arrived at the scene of an accident where a car had smashed into a tree. Rushing up to the vehicle, he asked the driver, "Sir! Are you seriously hurt?"

"I don't know," the driver responded. "I haven't spoken to my lawyer yet."



Chatting with a bull one day, a turkey said, "I sure would love to get to the top of that tree there! But I just don't have the energy."

The bull replied, "Just nibble on some of my droppings. They're packed with nutrients."

After pecking at a lump of cow dung, the turkey flew up to the first branch of the tree. The next day he nibbled some more and made it to the second branch. After a week of this, he had finally made it to the top of the tree!

A farmer saw him, sitting proudly at the top of the tree, and promptly shot him down.

The moral of this story? Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!



Breaking into a home late one night, a burglar was startled when he entered the living room and a voice said, "God is watching you." Looking around the room, he spotted a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room.

"What's your name?" he whispered to the parrot.

"Moses," the bird squawked back.

The burglar started laughing. "What kind of idiot names their parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird replied, "The kind of idiot who named his Rottweiler 'God.'"


A honeymooning couple purchased a talking parrot on their vacation and took it to their room, but the bridegroom became annoyed with the bird when it kept up a running commentary on his lovemaking skills. Finally he threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the bird to the zoo if it didn't stay quiet. Early the next morning, packing to return home, they couldn't close a large suitcase.

"You get on top and I'll try," the groom instructed. But that didn't work.

The new bride figured they must need more weight on top of the suitcase to shut it.

"Darling, YOU get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

Finally the annoyed groom said, "Look, let's both get on top."

At that point the parrot used his beak to pull the towel off the cage and said, "Zoo or no zoo, I just have to see this!"



What's green and stays out in the rain?

Paddy O'Furniture!



One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"


A young couple lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home. Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.

"Karate, my butt!" the husband yelled.

To this very day, he is still in the hospital.



Driving down a rural road in Kansas with his pet donkey in the back of his pickup truck, a young man got a flat tire. He got out of his truck, coaxed the donkey out of the bed of the pickup and had it stick its head under the bumper to lift the truck. A passing farmer saw the event and stopped. "Hey! That's a pretty clever trick! How'd you get your donkey to do that?"

The young man replied, "It's all in the breeding actually. This is a jack ass."



A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were led to the guillotine for their crimes. The executioner pulled the priest forward first and asked him if he wanted to be facing up or down when he met his face.

"Upward," said the priest. "I want to be looking toward heaven when I die."

The blade zoomed downward, but stopped just an inch short of the priest's throat. All assembled agreed that it was divine intervention, and let the priest go free.

The drunkard was pulled forward next, and decided to copy the priest, hoping he would get as lucky. Again the blade zoomed down but stopped just short of the drunkard's throat. So the authorities released him as well.

It was finally the engineer's turn. He, like the others, decided to face upward. The blade slowly raised back into place.

"Oh, hey, I think I know what the problem is." The engineer exclaimed. "That cable to the left appears to be catching the rope!"